Missing life

Going back to Tekong Is really demoralizing.

Going back to Tekong on a Friday night is even more demoralizing...

I am missing the outside world once again, but then what is it so difference between me being stuck in the DVFX lab and in an army camp? I was missing my life too back then when I had to camp day after days and burn my weekend on my Mac just to do work.

The army is just boring and due to the fact I am so disconnected from the net, I guess I that y I felt I really missing my life...

I am not really a outgoing person, and ain't really social able ( offline or online )... So ya... There goes my life. If is not for school and work, I doubt I will have friends outside that circle. ( okay cosplay is another thing..)

So well I have to end this post as I am reaching the ferry terminal to go back to Tekong to burn my long weekend off. But really 1 more mth left before I go back to unit. I guess I just have to tahan.

if i ever get a movie written about me...

it will awfully look and sound like i copied most of the script and story from 500 days of summer. although i would title mine as 100 days of hell.

well really.

in the past, i kinda still believe in love, but these days, i am not seeing it anymore.

ahh ignore this old emo outburst...

i just type into my phone.

and send msg to no where. when i do not want to share it on twitter. it is quite emo for me to do it. but i need to say it to someone but that someone used to be you. having all these shit bottled up in me is stressing me up like in the past. i will just break again, soon. and this time i dunnoe what shit i will do..

i just want to go back. and being my cheerfully self that i long forgotten since i i been moodless. at the end i still need someone to save my soul.

after all that shit..

so 4 years of friendship ends up like this... i really dunnoe what to say really.

I kinda know why you are ignoring me, but dun we used to have these fights in the past? what happened to your old self, your REAL self? From what i see, you really have a personality issue. Creating one for every new person you meet then once they know you well enough you treat them like dirt. like how you treat your family.
No wonder y me and hel are being ignored by you at times...

that y that day at that event, i was kinda wtf when you say family is VERY impt when i know you dun give a shit. then Helping all your "frens" when you dun help those that helped you before. Girl, you are being used again, like how you allow that idiot to be with you.

I am just worried for you. coz i know how shitty is it to be used to do things for others and get nothing back in return. Coz that is what you been doing to me recently... from teaching you on how to shoot, to your stop motion and your 24 ideas filming... i really get nothing in return but only your fucked up attitude...

I thought i will give you a chance to change after you broke up with that idiot. but now nearly a year. that you went back having your multiple personalty. I should had gave up helping you and hope you changed but from what happened recently...
I dun even need to bother.

So, next time if you need help, you still can ask me, but if i am getting that bullshit hime-sama attitude from you again... go and ask someone else.
Please just wake up and see the world.

where you go?

i fucking miss you so...

tsk.. it sounds like a post i made like 3 aprils ago...

anyways... life have to goes on. and i got Part 3 of The Resident Tourist by Troy Chin. I kinda been following his works after passing his booth at Toy con last year.

3 guys in a booth but well only 2 guys was there coz the 3rd guy had another booth...

I did not actually flip through his works at his booth, but it was that night i went to his site drearyweary.com, and well read like "All things being" and " The resident Tourist" [part 1] within a night.

The resident tourist is actually an ongoing autobiographical comic book/manga about Troy Chin himself, started out as a "side-project" but you can't really say it is a side project now coz he is actually not working/ have a job.

Well, i kinda got hook on his manga/comics due to all the local jokes and all.. and well it kinda remind me of my primary and secondary school life. Got Part 1 and 2 during one random visit to ani-play in late 2008 and i was like "troy printed his works???" *buys on the spot* it was about $10 each from ani-play, i think.

Part 3 of The Resident Tourist can be found at taka's Kino, Ani-play [sunshine plaza] and G&B comics. Kino is selling it at $17.90, Ani-play should be cheaper.


can't wait for part 4 which should be abit about 2008 and last year's toy con according to zerohero at Fool's progress. Hard copy maybe out by 2010.

I dun really care when it will the next book will be out, but TROY, do continue on and draw more. I really love your work Music Man!...

and i think i realised, there is a "mint" to in my life. she is just as lian and uses the middle finger and the word "fuck" as loosely as mint.


* i know my table is messy, kills self*

moodless night

How to say good bye by Paul Tiernan


Living isn't quite the same
You said to me, it's runnin' away.
If you're scared or tired of what you're scared of
Why should you stay
You love to say goodbye
And always counted all the time
'til he was free
to get up and leave
to learn how to breathe
again...

Slippin' out to have a cigarette
with someone else that he'd never met
Ask her if by the way would you like to
run away and try to forget
Just not to stay
To leave without saying why

To get up and go
To catch the last train
To get in some car and drive out again
To never come back this way
Left to say:

goodbye
so long
farewell
ovwar

goodbye
so long
farewell
ovwuar

--------------------

is it farewell?

so really all these 4 years...

we finally coming to the breaking point is it?

of all things you told the wrong person. really.

well life have to go on and you stop ignoring me  . things cannot get patch up by ignoring.

life goes on... without me..

why? coz i am always left out of the picture...
hated to be casted one side while i do things for you people, then left to be forgotten till i am needed again...

oh wells it got to be karma for having a good life, with no real shit really happening...

When you are pissed, you give me shit.

When i am pissed, you fucking ignore me. FUCK YOU OKAY.

YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE ALL UP THERE WITH ENLIGHTMENT. Girl guess what you do not have. If you really did do what you told me. You won't be saying all those stuff and not try to explain. And as you say you do try to change, but did you really change?

I see none of it. and you See none of mine. SO STOP TELLING ME TO SELF-REFLECT.
I CAN'T SELF-REFLECT by myself as i see myself as right... always right... I need to tell my issues to someone so they can tell me it is wrong. I need someone to tell me that is wrong with me.

I know that i am selfish. I dun care for others. i am an ass when i am working. i am stubborn to the core. I am a pessimist. I have time management problem. I am untidy. I am demanding. I think highly of myself.

for some i have reasons be that way.
1. Being selfish: imagine after spending 14 years of being bullied coz you are a nice guy. Won't you want to be selfish?

2. I dun care for others: Why should i care for people that step over me and treat me like shit, when they are no better than me? And really i dun do not care all the times. It is that my first reaction is to ignore.

3. Ya i am an ass: look, when we are doing the same work, and we are taught in the same class. You should be able to understand what is going on. IF you dunnoe what shit is going on. dun ask me, ask the lecturer. And we have a dateline you know, EVERY TIME I help you it is a loss to me, and a gain for you.

4. stubborness: I have an idea, you ask me for it, i tell you it, You tell me you like it, but you want to chance it, You chance a litte of it and say it is you idea. NO IT IS MY IDEA. then there is the YOU DUN LIKE IT. but YOU end up creating an IDEA that is LIKE my idea and you use it. Of course i disagree and rather my OWN.

5. pessimist: what can go wrong will go wrong. Nothing in this world really go your way. if i was a optimist, I would be ignore alot of shits that i need for deciding.

6. Time managment.: i need to cut my work load... and stop wasting time like on this blog.

7. Untidy: well thanks to my mom. she pack too nice that i find it easier to work in a mess.

8. demanding: if i dun have it my way, it is not my way. yesh my way sound like a shitty way, but sometimes it is now.

9. thinking high of myself: i dunnoe how it got by.

well i am tired so i am going to sleep... will continue this end later.

fucked up year

what did i do to get these shit? really! first, i having issues talking to my dad thanks to his male menspause... then i starting to have sleeping issues. i can lie on the bed for hours then i can sleep. next is having the feeling tt i am outcast in class once again. then alot of shit is happening in the photography club which giving me a headache. from missing filters to mia tripod to cam body tt cannot work. and the school is expecting us to pay the repairs first.


what other shit was there? oh i was in hosp overnight and felt like i was dying. after my first year ended i thought year 2 would be better for me but. within 8 days of school. my macbook pro was stolen. there goes my portfolio, work and life. then now school may not loan me money for a second one. so there goes my plan to buy a new dslr and my wacom. there goes the relation with my dad. there goes my dream. then she now is getting on my nerves. even though i love her. she dun even bother to be nice or greatful of all the shit work i did for her. all the extra work i do. and in return, all i got was nothing but fucked up attitude.

it is getting bad for me till the point tt i think it is okay tt i get a heart attack in ns . i had a great life. but really it is getting fucking unlucky till the pointthathe s ih dunit carefor liao. what did i do to get all These shit?

from bullied to getting outcast. to being rejected to robbed. ignored.. i think no one will cry over me when i dead.

so much for being the mister nice guy.
what goes around does'nt come around

i miss my mac...

i miss my rideback wallpaper.
i miss my widgets.
i miss my ical...
i miss my itunes...
i miss using 2 fingers to scroll
i miss using apple/command + w
i miss not HAVING to update my OS EVERY DAY...
i miss the alarm clock on my mac..

fuck the idiot that stole it. and it looks like he entered my gmail account on may day. told the cops about it. and they say they see what they can do....



on another news... WTF... do i need to wait 11mins for a train??? and NEL purposely did not show the timings on the platform or announce that there were delays in the train services.... i was at dhouby ghaut waiting for a north bound punggol train for like 12mins, and man the platform was pack... this was taken at farrer park station. after i got off.

my mac is gone...

i am gone... happy new year... -.-

i am that nice...

really what vic randomly said to me on thursday, stuck me in the head...

"togu, you are too nice that you dun have a backbone..."

after today, i think it is really true... which guy rush home and blog the shit that happened just moments before? one with no backbone does that i guess...

haiz...

after like 3 years of knowing her... asking her out like 4 times before... and letting her get a boyfriend. I think i am way too nice to her. I used to be like by her side when she need me, when she dump her ex, did her props. and yet she dun see the kindest or give any thing in return... at first i am okay with it, but now i think about it, i am wasting my life on her.

She was the one that made me think twice of another girl that i liked... yet she never think twice of dating that idiot jock which totally not her type... now again... she has fallen for the sweet things again on another guy, interlocking their arms together walking as i am behind being forced to see this parade...

The guy popped out of no where... and ya, i was with her shopping for her materials. why it is the guys that randomly appeared in her life that she is interested in? although she can tell me she is not interested in him... your body language says another thing... it is like that time you are with the jock... you can say on msn that will never go out with him, but on the same day you agreed to his proposal...

ailing... at times, i really have no idea what are you thinking at times... it is not that you are random... it is that you really having some personality issues... so much for a girl i liked...

i need a break..

it is not even the second week of school, and i am starting to break down...

this kinda of happened at the start of every school term i had since primary school...
after spending weeks alone during the holidays, going back to a class is so unreal. I felt that i am using a different face and personality when i am in school or outside and it is tiring me out fast...

maybe what hector said to me last sem during the one on one discussion section was true... I dun belong anywhere, i create a persona to fit in. that why no 2 different groups of people i know can match up with the other group.

Cosplayers are still weird to many, Including photographers...
Some groups of photographers i know dun match up with other photographers i know...
My classmates in secondary school are different to the people i know in robotics
and my scouts buddies never understand view on robotics, photography and cosplay...

he kinda of guessed that i am alone too much that i try too hard to try to make friends yet at the end of the day, no one is there for me... so hard that it is a burden for me that i cannot take it soon...

maybe i really need to go back to IMH again for depression...

why so moodless?

My fren was bored... and after he read my msn nick -> y moodless.
he was like why so moodless sound so much better... well so here you have it.



moodless laughing man style...
haiz thanks man...

Well it is 2 more sundays to the move. and well, i dunnoe what to move there. Going to pack my PC and computer stuff next week, my school stuff are in the boxes. still I look around... i have tons to pack, yet i am wasting my time, mayaing and escaping reality.

Wrong time, wrong place and wrong mood...

Is it me or i am blind. I picked the wrong day, wrong place and she was obivously in the wrong mood. she was not the first one that i ask her out, yet, after 3 years and so many girls. I still making the same mistake.

Maybe i should be the one waiting, instead of me asking.
But, i am sick of waiting...

the moodless days...

my moodless issue is getting on my nerves,

I did not shoot much on sunday due to it.
I could not photoshop on sunday night due to it.
I had issues trying to do my 3D maya work due to it on monday.
and now? i cannot sleep as it is bothering me..

but what is it really bothering me?
I have no idea, but there is something inside of me that is very irritated.
Is it school? or is it my lifestyle? or is it because of someone?
whatever it is, i wish it will go away, it is affecting my mood and my thinking...

haiz...
life love to throw their shit to me till the point that life cannot go on...

missing from here.

Okay i have not been updating here.

one year after and it still scares me when i see her full name.

i ain't moving

oi! to those uncles and aunties,

I dun want to move to that place.

Sell the god damn district 11 place and get a smaller and NEW property which is @ half of the selling price of the current aging place.

one year is not a long time

It been a year since we kind of stop talking.

hate friday the 13th.